As I wrote in my last blog entry, God has been taking me through a season of pursuit; he has been showing me his heart for me and how I am his bride. I never really realized what that would mean for me though. I thought it would be this lovely time of just feeling God’s love and being all happy. But in all relationships there is give and take.
The other evening we were having a worship night with everyone on the YWAM base here; it ended up turning into a time of confession and sharing. At first I didn’t feel lead to say anything, but then God showed me something I hadn’t really ever taken time to deal with: I’m terrified of close relationship with people. Which is super weird because I LOVE people! But I’ve been hurt in the past and I find that now, without even realizing it, I put on a front that says to everyone else, “I’m happy, I’m fine, don’t worry about me.” Even when I’m not okay, I put on a face so that I don’t have to open up to people. So, I gathered up all the courage I had and I stood up in front of a crowd of people and admitted this fear to them. It was one of the scariest and most freeing things I’ve ever done.
As soon as I walked off the stage I was surrounded by people who were encouraging me and praying for me. It was such a new feeling for me; I’m always so scared to admit that I need help. People were telling me things that I didn’t even share about but that I do struggle with. It was such a cool moment of experiencing God’s love.
Another thing that I’ve struggled with in the past two or three years is seeing myself how God sees me. It’s hard for me to accept that God and people love me despite my past. But that’s the thing about God’s love, it isn’t conditional. When I look at myself I don’t think that I deserve God’s love, and in a way I don’t, but despite everything I do that is wrong, God loves me.
As I have been giving God my fears and insecurity, he has given me hope and courage. Above all he has helped me to see myself how he sees me.
The past few days God has been doing little things that just remind me how much is pursuing me. And I want to remind you, yes you that is reading this. It doesn’t matter who you are, God loves you and he wants to be with you. It’s important to remember that.