I am undeserving.

As I’m in the midst of raising money I have been reflecting on several things: the worthiness of what I do, the value of my goals, the quality of my work, the importance of relationship, the vitality of communication…Really I could go on. I have had time to think about so many things, but there is one thing in particular that I keep coming back to that never ceases to astound me: I am undeserving.

A few days ago I was having a bit of an off day – I suppose you could say that I ‘woke up on the wrong side of the bed’. I was quiet, a bit irritable, sleepy, unmotivated, and just generally grumpy. I had had a terrible sleep and woke up later than I wanted to and, in my haste to get ready, I didn’t have a quiet time in the morning. Throughout the day I just got more and more irritable and lethargic; all I wanted was to curl up in my bed and sleep. In the evening we had our community church service and I was helping out with the tech stuff, but I was not wanting to actually be there. At the end of the service, I hightailed it home and walked into my room only to find an envelope of money sitting on my floor with “For Britt – for your SOIYM fund” written on it. Inside this envelope was $280 for me to put towards my school fees.

I was so shocked that I didn’t really know how to respond. I was really excited and grateful, but I was also incredibly surprised. I had been a brat all day and had neglected to spend time with God. Why did God choose that day to provide a bunch of money for me? I was so undeserving of receiving that money, but God still chose to give it to me.

Despite my bad attitudes and grumpiness, God is still good. He isn’t reliant on me and my feelings to be who He is and to do what He does. God also knows us better than anyone else in the world. He knows what we need and what we need to learn. Some times He will make us wait so that He can teach us patience and persistence, or some times He will provide for us even when we feel like we aren’t worth it. He knows when we need to be humbled and when we need to be lifted up.

I’m so thankful for my God who does the impossible and chooses to love me and provide for me in crazy and incredible ways though I can be a bit unruly. I guess this whole fundraiser has been a reminder to be humble and to remember that He is in this for me. None of this is through my own strength or talent, but through God who has chosen me to do His work.

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