I am disappointed in me

I am currently trying to raise money to pay for a school that I want to do. I have been raising money for over a month now. Within the first few weeks of the fundraiser it was incredible to see several donations come in and to get $1600 raised. However, as the weeks have gone by, the donations have slowed and then stopped.

Yesterday I was supposed to get the money I had raised deposited into my account and, by some random mistake, too much was transferred to me. At first I thought that maybe I had tallied up my donations wrong and that people had given more than I thought. I was so excited and relieved to see such a large amount of finances come in – it was such an encouragement. However, after thinking about it I realized that it very well may have been an error and, therefore, I didn’t touch any of the money that I was given. Sure enough, this morning I woke up to an email saying that there had been an error in the transfer of money to me and that they would work to rectify the problem.

My first reaction was to be mad that they had made an error and had gotten my hopes up, but I quickly realized that it must have been a simple mistake and that it really isn’t a big deal. I was a bit frustrated and disappointed that I hadn’t actually received that much money and I didn’t really know what to place my dissatisfaction in. As I was getting ready this morning I decided to just sit down and talk to God about it. It wasn’t too long until I realised that God was trying to get my attention about something.

At the beginning of my fundraiser I was seeing so much come in and I was constantly thanking God and asking Him what more I could do. However, seeing a steady flow of people wanting to give made me quite lax in my attitude. The amount of my time spent with God began to decrease and I soon became to rely more on what I could do and what people could do than on what God had done and wanted to do.

Yesterday I had decided that I was going to spend a couple hours in the evening reading my Bible and spending time with God…Except I allowed myself to get distracted and lazy and ended up on a friend’s couch watching TV. I even said that I would just watch one episode and then go into my room to have some good alone time, but quickly one episode turned into two and so on. By the time I made it back to my room, there was still definitely time for me to read for a bit, but I curled up in bed instead and watched videos on my phone. I actively made a choice to do other things when I had made a commitment to God to spend some time praying and seeking Him.

Some of you may find it a bit strange to make plans to spend time with God, but He’s like any other friend I have…Well really He isn’t like any other friend, He’s incredible better than any person could ever be. But, like any relationship, time spent getting to know each other is vital. So when I made plans and than blew them off for absolutely no reason, I was basically just standing up a friend who was waiting for me.

This morning I felt frustrated and I now realize why. I wasn’t upset about the mix up with the money, I was disappointed because I had let down a friend. I had put other things before my relationship with God and, in the moment, I had been okay with it. Thankfully, however, God is pretty incredible and forgiving. He doesn’t just give us one chance to get things right, but He repeatedly forgives us and allows us to grow and be better.

So before you jump to conclusions or place the blame on someone or something else about situations in your life, take a look at where you’re at and what’s going on in your own heart. And remember, God will never run out of chances or love to give you.


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