Jan 25 – Dread

Tremors surged through my hands as the pit in my stomach grew. I was getting ready for the day, but it was proving to be more difficult than I anticipated. The joy of going to work that had once made me bounce with each step had all but disappeared. When I closed my eyes I saw faces of people I didn’t think really noticed me. Some times I heard phantom knocks on my office door which filled me with a trembling fear that I was doing something wrong. I knew that I was good at what I did – I had a knack for numbers and systems – but I still felt like I couldn’t get anything right for some reason. My evenings had become dull and fitful and my sleep was almost nonexistent. I hadn’t realized that things had started to get so stressful until I found myself nearly vomiting at the simple thought of having to sit in my office for one more day. I didn’t realize that I had pulled away from the people around me, until suddenly I felt like I didn’t have anyone to make plans with.

My shower started to run cold as I sucked the last moments of solitude from the water meant to bring me relief. The muscles that I had tried to relax were already tensing with knots. My knees continued their incessant shaking as I got dressed. My knotted curls were tied up into a messy top knot and makeup was forgone; there was no point in trying anymore when everything inside felt like it was in shambles. I left the house with no breakfast – I had nearly no appetite as of late. With a deep breath I took the door handle to the office and gave it a shove as I plastered my smile on.

“Hey Britt! How you going?”

“I’m great! How are you?” was my false reply.

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