Feb 23 – Dear Diary

Write a poem or short story about a diary entry you’ve read or imagined.

I tried thinking about what to write here and I couldn’t think of anything at all, but then I remembered a journal project that I have previously tried to do. So I’ve decided to share an entry from that project. In general, the project failed miserably, I barely wrote anything and it only ended up lasting a few weeks. Also, almost every entry isn’t completed, so they leave a lot to be desired. But this entry is honest and real and is so painfully accurate to how my brain works which is hard to admit because I hate it when I realize that I can be such an insecure young girl. But go ahead, read on and laugh at my ridiculous thoughts, because I sure as hell did. Also, this entry was never finished so I’ll never know how it was supposed to end.


Something that I’ve been thinking of quite a lot about my whole year of singleness thing and what has it really meant to me and all that. Also, looking at Day Nine’s entry, it has quite a lot to do with my identity and what I base it in.

 A year ago I had the realization that I liked someone…Surprise, Surprise – I have always liked someone. Looking back at my life, there has always been some guy that I focus on, not necessarily date or pursue anything with, but someone who I think about and dwell on. I’ve been boy crazy since I was like three years old. I was never taught to look to guys for my identity and I don’t think I ever really did that until recently. Ever since I learned that boys and girls are meant to be together, I’ve been on the constant look out for that perfect one. My inability to find that one has caused me to view myself as lonely and pathetic.

So, like I said, a year ago I moved on from one boy to the next and was convinced that it was serious. He never gave me reason to think so and I never pursued being more than a friend. Then, at the suggestion of a leader, I decided to take a year off dating and pursuing relationships. If I could go a year without dating or pursuing anyone and I still liked this guy in the end, than that would mean it’s the real deal…or so I thought.

It was easy at first, I was giving everything to God and it was so easy to think that this guy was perfect for me and that I would grow to like him more and more as time went by. And I did exactly that. As the days turned into months, my feelings for this guy deepened and I began to hang out with talk to him more. Side note: this means I was pursuing something even if it was just a “deeper friendship” – bull crap, I was totally flirtin’ it up.

Six months later and it was starting to get hard – I would often doubt the feelings I had for him and question what God was doing with my feelings and future. I was confused and frustrated with God. Fast forward a couple more months and the frustration only built. Not only was I frustrated with God, but with this guy as well. Though I had made a choice not to pursue dating, I was flirting making it blatantly obvious that I liked this guy – everybody knew…except him of course.

At nine months I was just mad, how had he not even realized that I liked him? Of course, the obvious thing was for a friend of mine to tell him I liked him – big mistake. Not only now was he aware that I had feelings for him, but he wasn’t doing anything about it! How dare he?! (Again, I was still supposed to be in this season of singleness and not even thinking about relationships.) I was angry and frustrated and beginning to get bitter towards this guy even as a friend. I didn’t even want to talk to God about the whole situation.

This brings me up to about a week ago. I was frustrated and upset and hurt by this guy’s actions when I had a realization that shook me quite a bit. I don’t actually like him, I just like the concept of liking someone. I wasn’t in love with this guy, but just over a year ago I had gone through some pretty intense heart-break and I needed someone to move on to because, heaven forbid I don’t like anyone. I had created such a habit of liking someone who it became a part of my identity – if I didn’t like anyone I truly believed that it made me less worthy of life in general. I was so scared to just rely on God for my joy and comfort that I convinced myself to like one of my good friends.

A few days ago I was processing things with God and I realized something pretty monumental:


 

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